OK so obviously, everyone with a PC, PS4, or Xbox One loves Rocket League. Twitter, Reddit, Twitch and YouTube are all buzzing about the amazing game of Car Soccer. Psyonix has produced a fantastic sports/action/racing/battle game and it is not going anywhere – at least not for a while. But all this hype is a starry-eyed front for the aneurysm-inducing reality that is ranked play. This game is designed to make its players hate – pure and simple. If you haven’t gotten your fix of that fast-paced, knuckle-whitening, adrenaline-pumping, ball-thumping in the last hour or so, you might not be salty enough for this article… So before reading on, go get stomped on a few times to get your rage spiking. Then come on back.
N8’s here to break his controller for you.
Here’s 8 Rocket League reasons to put a hole in your drywall, TV screen, or loved one.
1/8. Botched kickoffs
That ball you hit dead on?
2/8. Sucking at Aerials
There it is… That floater in the sky, hanging there, big as the moon. “You can do it,” you mumble to yourself through Cheetos-stained lips, “It isn’t even that high.” Yeah. This is the one. You’ve got it all lined up. Aaaaand…
3/8. Completely fucking yourself
Nice hit! The ball is heading toward the goal and no one is there to stop it!
4/8. Paint job trolls
There’s always that one asshole. The one with the red secondary color on blue and vice versa for red. And of course he’s sporting that ridiculous camo flag to go along with it. Suddenly, everyone is on the same team!
It’s always the same. First, you lose a few. You’re a little agitated but you’ve got it in your mind that the next game will go in your favor. Next, you are cursing at yourself. You try foolishly, desperately to figure out what you’re doing wrong and how to fix it. Finally, drunk on self-loathing and hatred for all life, you’re left to wallow in your own filth. That horrible, ugly color…
6/8. Replays in 1v1
It’s overtime and $wagChamp69 scores on you from the kick-off. The game mockingly tells you “PRESS A TO SKIP” like you didn’t fuckin’ know that. But of course, good ol’ $wagChamp wants it to sting. Those 5 seconds of your life are his. Now watch your failure again.
7/8. Matching up against the Three Amigos
When you’re just queuing into some 3v3 for funsies and you see those stylishly matching names, like “Power,” “Wisdom,” and “Courage.” Or “Trotsky,” “Lenin,” and “Stalin.” Or “Rosemary” and “Thyme.” In any case, chances are high you and your inbred teammate are getting stomped.
8/8. Kickoff Etiquette Don’t Real
When your entire team just rushes the ball like feral dogs at a babushka’s dropped bag of groceries.
Bashing his head against his TV, N8 is with you in that familiar, comfortable, toddler-like tantrum spirit. Don’t break anything you’ll miss!
‘Til next time!